If I've learned one thing over the last few months, it's that I know of a list of things that, when I do them, I feel better about myself, my life, my use of time and energy. These are known things. Most of the time they are really simple: making my own coffee, walking to the metro, running, reading, having the dishes immediately done, having laundry folded instead of in a pile on my window seat, getting to inbox zero, etc., etc. These are things that make my life easier, and that translates to a happier life, also. (Which, just for the record, I most definitely have learned much more than this one thing in the last few months, but I digress.)
I used to be an early bird. I was up before 6a for most of my college career, at least during cross-country season. It's amazing what I could get done when I was up that early. Even if I didn't do anything productive, per se, it was calming to feel like the world was mine, before it was anyone else's. The non-cross-country times of my college career didn't seem nearly as organized or fluid or calm -- if it ever really was any of those things, haaa. Now, I'm...who knows. I'm not really a night owl, but I'm not an early bird, either. In fact, I don't really know what I am, at this point.
That's the thing, too. I have this idea of what I think makes my life easier and happier, but I don't stick to any sort of schedule or stay immediately on top of dishes and laundry and email or ensure I have enough time to actually walk to the metro in the morning or whatever it is. I just think, "Oh, this makes me feel best", but then I don't do it, or that may not really be the case at all. There are other activities that I want to try to incorporate, test out, and see what I really do like, what does really work for me.
So, the experiment.
This will probably be a multi-part exercise. I read a blog called raptitude.com, and sometimes the author does experiments like these, and I've been meaning to do one of my own for a while, so here I am. I want to try out multiple..."living arrangements". I'm going to start by being an early bird.
5:31 AM. Every morning but Sunday morning. Starting tomorrow morning.
I'll try a night owl experiment after.
But really, I want to find time to just be. Life moves and shakes and changes so rapidly, and I know I feel my best when I'm not rushed, when I can stop and smell the coffee while it's brewing and stop to see the fake flamingos planted into a neighbor's yard on my walk to the metro.
AND, in between that enjoyment of the small stuff, I want moments for nothing.
To do nothing.
To sit.
To be still.
To breathe.
To surrender.
I like my life the best when I can step outside the pace of the world, let it fly by me, and just watch from the outside, if only for a moment. But there are things that I need to be disciplined and self-motivated about in order to have those moments. That is perhaps my true goal here: I want to rediscover my self-discipline and self-motivation, as I'm growing in my self-awareness, so I am living the life where I am taking care of myself well. I want to be a good friend, good daughter, good sister, good human, but I must simultaneously be good to myself. I must discover and nurture the ways that allow me to grow in all of those capacities.
I am a computer scientist. Though I do not grow organic or inorganic things, nor do I blow things up, or build things up, I do still enjoy a good hypothesis and test. I'll make sure to observe and analyze what happens. Then I'll deliver some results. Gotta love the scientific method! Hahaha.
I should probably go to sleep if I'm going to start this experiment right and get up on time for my first day of it!
5.10.2013
1.22.2013
Unglued
It takes less than a day to fly half-way around the world.
It takes about 15 hours to drive from my house to my grandparents' house in Florida.
It takes about 6 hours to fly across the country.
It takes sometimes two hours to drive from my house to my parents' house.
I love traveling, but I always feel a little unglued at the end of the transportation part of the journey.
How is it that we can move so fast? Do some of our atoms blow away as we rush head first into the wind? Are there bits of us scattered across the countryside, the country, the world from our speedy transitions? Do those missing pieces finally catch up, or are they channeled into someone else nearby to where they were blown?
How is it that we can see so much? What do we remember? Is it the traffic or the sunsets? The turbulence or the slight curvature of the earth? Are the spaces of our blown-away pieces filled up with the memories of our travel?
What, at the end of the day's journey, glues ourselves back together?
It takes about 15 hours to drive from my house to my grandparents' house in Florida.
It takes about 6 hours to fly across the country.
It takes sometimes two hours to drive from my house to my parents' house.
I love traveling, but I always feel a little unglued at the end of the transportation part of the journey.
How is it that we can move so fast? Do some of our atoms blow away as we rush head first into the wind? Are there bits of us scattered across the countryside, the country, the world from our speedy transitions? Do those missing pieces finally catch up, or are they channeled into someone else nearby to where they were blown?
How is it that we can see so much? What do we remember? Is it the traffic or the sunsets? The turbulence or the slight curvature of the earth? Are the spaces of our blown-away pieces filled up with the memories of our travel?
What, at the end of the day's journey, glues ourselves back together?
1.16.2013
In all of it
Tyler Knott doesn't title these poems of his, but here's the link to this poem on his site: http://tylerknott.com/post/40680119576/look-on-the-happy-side-of-all-things-happiness
12.25.2012
12.06.2012
Little girl grows
"Peek-a-boo!"
Blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?
Blank stare.
"Here, come with me for a little bit."
Picks little girl up.
Huge eyes fill with tears.
Walk in room with crazy hat.
Crying ensues.
Time passes. Little girl grows.
"Peek-a-boo! I'm gonna get your tummy!"
Blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?"
Head shakes "no", then
reaches up.
"Here, come with me for a little while."
Reluctance.
No tears.
Snuggles into chest.
Leave crazy hat at home.
No crying upon entry to room.
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"I'm gonna get your tummy! Gonna get you!"
Quick smile, then
blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?"
Reaches up immediately.
"Here, stay with me for a while."
Snuggles into chest.
Falls asleep.
Too cute.
Too warm for crazy hat.
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"Hi! I see you!"
Mischievous smile.
Ignores me.
*sigh*
"I'm gonna get you!"
Chase ensues.
Little girl caught.
Tickled.
Giggles.
Be still my heart.
Playing with toys, "Whatcha got there?"
Whisper. "What is it?"
Ever-so-slightly louder, "A froggie."
HA!
Words!
For me!
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"Can I get a hug goodbye?"
Little girl jumps into my arms.
Soon she won't be quite a little girl anymore.
"Can I get a kiss goodbye?"
Kiss on cheek.
"I love you. Bye bye!"
"I loooove you!"
What to do about crazy hat now...
Hmm...
Blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?
Blank stare.
"Here, come with me for a little bit."
Picks little girl up.
Huge eyes fill with tears.
Walk in room with crazy hat.
Crying ensues.
Time passes. Little girl grows.
"Peek-a-boo! I'm gonna get your tummy!"
Blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?"
Head shakes "no", then
reaches up.
"Here, come with me for a little while."
Reluctance.
No tears.
Snuggles into chest.
Leave crazy hat at home.
No crying upon entry to room.
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"I'm gonna get your tummy! Gonna get you!"
Quick smile, then
blank stare.
"Want me to hold you?"
Reaches up immediately.
"Here, stay with me for a while."
Snuggles into chest.
Falls asleep.
Too cute.
Too warm for crazy hat.
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"Hi! I see you!"
Mischievous smile.
Ignores me.
*sigh*
"I'm gonna get you!"
Chase ensues.
Little girl caught.
Tickled.
Giggles.
Be still my heart.
Playing with toys, "Whatcha got there?"
Whisper. "What is it?"
Ever-so-slightly louder, "A froggie."
HA!
Words!
For me!
Time passes.
Little girl grows.
"Can I get a hug goodbye?"
Little girl jumps into my arms.
Soon she won't be quite a little girl anymore.
"Can I get a kiss goodbye?"
Kiss on cheek.
"I love you. Bye bye!"
"I loooove you!"
What to do about crazy hat now...
Hmm...
11.23.2012
Poem 1
Even in the time
between
seasons,
beauty shines through
when all is laid
bare
Photo credit: meeee :)
between
seasons,
beauty shines through
when all is laid
bare
Photo credit: meeee :)
11.21.2012
I Have Made Mistakes
I have made mistakes, I continue to make them
the promises I've made, I continue to break them
and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them
but nothing is a waste if you learn from it
and the sun, it does not cause us to grow
it is the rain that will strengthen your soul
and it will make you whole
we have lived in fear, and our fear has betrayed us
but we will overcome the apathy that has made us
because we are not alone in the dark with our demons
and we have made mistakes
but we've learned from them
and the sun, it does not cause us to grow
it is the rain that will strengthen your soul
and it will make you whole
and oh my heart, how can I face you now?
when we both know how badly I have let you down
and I am afraid of all I've built
fading away
Artist: The Oh Hello's
Song: I Have Made Mistakes
Album: Through the Deep, Dark Valley
I like sunshine. I like it a lot actually. This may be because I live in a basement currently, and it feels like 5 am down there at 5 am and at noon and at 10 pm. I like sunshine when its beams find my face and warm not only my body but also my soul.
I also enjoy rain, as long as my feet don't get wet. I like rain a lot more lately because it can no longer find its way down my walls to stream across my floor. I like rain when it falls hard and steady and the beating against the ground or my car roof drowns out all the other noise in my life.
This song is one of my favorites by one of my newly favorite bands. For various and sundry reasons, all of the lyrics resonate strongly with me at this time. I am, however, struggling with the sun and rain lyrics. What immediately pops into my head when I think "sun" and "grow" and "rain" are plants. I don't know why, which is part of the reason I'm writing this--I need to see these lyrics for growing people and stop thinking about them as for plants (because plants DO need sun AND rain). Haha! It's just silly.
If I can keep myself completely in humanity and not go off into the jungle, I do think I agree with the lyrics, and I feel like that should be painfully obvious to me and keep the plants out of my mind. What sunny time in one's life was as huge of a catalyst for change and growth as a rainy period? I'm not saying sunny times are bad or that one cannot grow during sunny times. Progress in one's life can be made during laugh-filled adventures down wide avenues lit brightly by the sun. Those are indeed good times, and they are comfortable times. As much as I enjoy my sunny days, I enjoy my sunny days, I look back on them, and I see that eventually they lead to stagnation, and then comes the rain.
Oh how it rains sometimes. And, as a good friend of mine said, "And oh how you learn." The learning curve can be quite steep during the rain. Sometimes you'll slide right back to the beginning of it because you don't know how to--or don't want to--dig in and hold on while you pull yourself, tooth and nail, up the hill.
Eventually you may want to fight. You'll grow tired of sitting with your mistakes in the mud. Stand up. Let the rain wash over you, clean you off. It's never too late to start climbing again. It's never wrong to want to see the sun, to work to make it to the top of the hill, and to have the sun warm you from your soggy, frostbitten toes to your wet, stringy, matted hair.
Just remember, we humans do need both rain and sunshine. How can we enjoy the dry warmth of the sun radiating down on us that shows off all of our best, brightest colors without also having the rain to push us through growth spurts up, up, up closer to the sun?
the promises I've made, I continue to break them
and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them
but nothing is a waste if you learn from it
and the sun, it does not cause us to grow
it is the rain that will strengthen your soul
and it will make you whole
we have lived in fear, and our fear has betrayed us
but we will overcome the apathy that has made us
because we are not alone in the dark with our demons
and we have made mistakes
but we've learned from them
and the sun, it does not cause us to grow
it is the rain that will strengthen your soul
and it will make you whole
and oh my heart, how can I face you now?
when we both know how badly I have let you down
and I am afraid of all I've built
fading away
Artist: The Oh Hello's
Song: I Have Made Mistakes
Album: Through the Deep, Dark Valley
I like sunshine. I like it a lot actually. This may be because I live in a basement currently, and it feels like 5 am down there at 5 am and at noon and at 10 pm. I like sunshine when its beams find my face and warm not only my body but also my soul.
I also enjoy rain, as long as my feet don't get wet. I like rain a lot more lately because it can no longer find its way down my walls to stream across my floor. I like rain when it falls hard and steady and the beating against the ground or my car roof drowns out all the other noise in my life.
This song is one of my favorites by one of my newly favorite bands. For various and sundry reasons, all of the lyrics resonate strongly with me at this time. I am, however, struggling with the sun and rain lyrics. What immediately pops into my head when I think "sun" and "grow" and "rain" are plants. I don't know why, which is part of the reason I'm writing this--I need to see these lyrics for growing people and stop thinking about them as for plants (because plants DO need sun AND rain). Haha! It's just silly.
If I can keep myself completely in humanity and not go off into the jungle, I do think I agree with the lyrics, and I feel like that should be painfully obvious to me and keep the plants out of my mind. What sunny time in one's life was as huge of a catalyst for change and growth as a rainy period? I'm not saying sunny times are bad or that one cannot grow during sunny times. Progress in one's life can be made during laugh-filled adventures down wide avenues lit brightly by the sun. Those are indeed good times, and they are comfortable times. As much as I enjoy my sunny days, I enjoy my sunny days, I look back on them, and I see that eventually they lead to stagnation, and then comes the rain.
Oh how it rains sometimes. And, as a good friend of mine said, "And oh how you learn." The learning curve can be quite steep during the rain. Sometimes you'll slide right back to the beginning of it because you don't know how to--or don't want to--dig in and hold on while you pull yourself, tooth and nail, up the hill.
Eventually you may want to fight. You'll grow tired of sitting with your mistakes in the mud. Stand up. Let the rain wash over you, clean you off. It's never too late to start climbing again. It's never wrong to want to see the sun, to work to make it to the top of the hill, and to have the sun warm you from your soggy, frostbitten toes to your wet, stringy, matted hair.
Just remember, we humans do need both rain and sunshine. How can we enjoy the dry warmth of the sun radiating down on us that shows off all of our best, brightest colors without also having the rain to push us through growth spurts up, up, up closer to the sun?
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