noitaripsnI yrotluseD: 07.2010

Can't Go Back Now by The Weepies

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

I'm finding grown-up-ed-ness in my face more and more. I'm about to hit my 5th year of college, and just in case you're wondering - no, I'm not a flunkie; I'm a double major. But what am I gonna do after this? Also, I've recently gotten a loan so I could buy my first car. Her name is Helga. Here's a picture:

This is a serious grown-up commitment. She's pretty and fun to drive though. And these are just two major things that I'm facing right now. Of course there are more, but I don't feel like putting them up on the internet.

Dr. Seuss reminds me of all the places I'm going to go. It's going to be scary, but I will make it through, right? Do I have a choice - as the Weepies so eloquently sing it - but to walk on? I've been told being "grown up" is a choice. I don't know that it is. I Can't Go Back Now. But would I even want to go back?

I wasn't really sure where the new movie Inception was going to fit in, but maybe it's now. It's all about levels of reality and dreaming and ideas and ... ? If you've seen it, you understand the ... - maybe. If you haven't seen it, you should. Either way, for a (far better) synopsis, check out IMDB. The link to the movie is at the end of this post. I'm continually amazed by how different life is in the living physical "reality" of the "present" than what I thought it would be a year ago, five years ago, and ten years ago is almost imaginable. I mean, driving a car is still so COOL.

Why isn't life like I pictured it in my head, in my daydreams, in my nightdreams, in my nightmares? Sometimes there are things in my dreams that I wish were true more than anything, but that doesn't make them true. I guess it's good that you can't necessarily dream things into existence. This is not to say I don't believe in the power of positive (or negative) thinking.

I absolutely believe in the power of your brain and what you train it to do. I think there is a heck of a lot more power there than we will every know what to do with.

And still the questions bubble to the surface; questions I'm struggling with and will probably struggle with forever is this - and they aren't jokes, though I do use them in jokes a lot: Where am I? Where am I going? Does that build who I am? How am I built? Will I be able to remain positive, happy, mostly light-hearted despite the questions and the depths they take me to? Or is the world and it's implosions and explosions and demands going to make me into some grumpy grown up? Am I going to be able to live in this child-like reality or is my "kick" gonna come along and pop me into some other layer, some other reality that is not child-like.

I think that might be my worst fear, that I might not be able to hold on to the overwhelming joy that fills my soul some days. Childishness is an attitude, but it does not mean immature.

I love mis-matched flip flops and socks. I love silly hats during the winter. I love snow days, even if that means horrible catch up periods afterwards. I love children's books and my Pirates Guidelines book. If I had rain boots, I'd love jumping in rain puddles. I love Dr. Seuss and my Dr. Seuss sweatshirt. I love my holey jeans. I do not like professional clothes. I love sleeping with my little stuffed panda bears. I love laughing. I love laughing uncontrollably. I love making myself crack up. I love corny jokes and corn-ey jokes. These are the things that can't be left behind in childhood. They just can't.

I love seeing grown up movies like Inception. Despite everything that comes with the questions, I cannot imagine not being able to question - whether the limitation would be in my own body or soul or enforced upon me by some other entity. I LOVE being able to drive (have I said that before? It's literally one of my favorite things to do). I love being able to drive and see places and people. I love not being completely dependent on other people.

I don't care about money. I just want to be happy. I'm even willing to settle for content. But can you get there? And how? And where do you go past that? There's always somewhere you can't get back to: might be a place or a place in time. How do you keep what's the dearest to you without train-wrecking yourself. Why all the dichotomies?

I'm officially rambling, so I'm going to stop. I just felt like I needed to make up for lost time. Enjoy your reality, wherever you are, enjoy it.

Sources:
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_weepies/cant_go_back_now.html

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1375666/